Weight Loss Journals - petecohen.tv

I have been feeling increasingly sad and shaken by recent events this weekend - so much so that my eating spiralled out of control on a few occasions which has made me feel worse. I think my son being away has given me more time to feel the pain at what has happened and it scares me just how low I have been feeling. Weighed this morning as well (I KNOW this is stupid and I know I am doing it to hurt myself further) and have gained two pounds - on the back of that I have eaten my way through half a pack of choc digestives and cried pretty much all morning. I am so tired, I feel so hurt and right now I am so scared that I won't be able to lose the weight, that I won't be able to get my focus back and that's it's all too difficult. Didn't want to blog today but am making myself so that hopefully I can try to feel stronger again. Am going to restart from Day One at the end of this week if I can. I don't want to sound so hopeless but this is the worst I have felt since everything fell apart 8 weeks ago and it feels very frightening. This is so hard.

I blogged this morning - tiny girl then had a fussy morning so most of that was spent feeding her but because I had committed to my walk I then put her in the pram around midday and went for a really good vigorous walk. Did my usual route and then walked to meet a friend who I knew was out walking in the other direction! We then went onto a third friend's house for a cup of tea in the sunshine - little one was a poppet and slept for a couple of hours so I had a good girly catch up and laugh- really restorative and lifted my spirits (as mentioned before have been thinking too much about the recent break-up and that has not been helping me at all). I then fed tiny girl when she woke and walked home with her in the late afternoon sunshine.

Wanted to blog this now because am really proud of my food choices today - as I hadn't planned to stay long at my friends, and breakfast had been quite late this morning, I didn't have lunch before setting off on my walk. I realised while I was at my friend's house that I needed to eat but as she didn't have much in I popped to the local garage to see what they had. Answer? A grotty looking sandwich on white bread or a sausage roll. With a heavy heart I bought the sausage roll - if I was on a traditional 'diet' at the moment I would have bought it with glee thinking 'well, I have no choice - will have to have that' but genuinely didn't want it - but when I got back to my friend's house she was making a bowl of granola with dried and fresh fruit on top and offered me some too (she'd forgotten she had cereal and fruit!). GORGEOUS!! Didn't have the sausage roll (and won't be having it) and enjoyed savouring the fruit and oats slowly. Have been very hungry this evening so had a small prawn roll when I got home and have now just had some beef casserole. feel contented, well nourished and not over-full. Lovely. Thanks to all of you for your support over the last few days (and last year!) and to Pete for this amazing programme which is already helping me to feel better about myself and the future.

One other thing - started feeling self-conscious about my tummy and backside as I was walking along today (classic duck moment) and then countered it with repeating to myself inside my head (not out loud!) 'I am building a future for my babies' (ie by exercising I am keeping myself healthy and strong for me and for them). Worked a treat.

Happy Day 4. We can do this!

xxx

Am typing this as tiny girl is playing under her baby gym for the first time - being a premmie she slept for the first month of her life almost continuously but is now much more alert and active (and wakeful after feeds). Watching her kick is making me think of Pete's Day 4 video when he says that our bodies are designed for one thing - to move. She is kicking her legs, wiggling her arms in the arm and is thoroughly delighted by the whole experience (although she looked very surprised when she just bopped one of the toys and it jingled - she hasn't come to realise her arms belong to her yet!). Once she has had her workout I am going out for mine - a good vigorous walk around the village with the pram sounds perfect on such a sunny glorious day. and should also help rock her into a gentle doze (here's hoping!).

My tools are still eating slowly (definitely starting to crack this), walking for 30 mins a day at least and cutting down on sugar and stimulants. Had a definite sugar craving this morning but successfully ignored it and had a glass of water instead. I am dwelling on recent events again today and this does not help me (but neither will eating to block it out). Am really proud of myself as it was hard to ignore but I managed it. Had a beautiful breakfast of branflakes, banana, strawbs and raspberries - really savoured it and tasted (and relished) every mouthful.

My son went on holiday with his dad yesterday and is now away for a week. Am sure this is another reason that my mind is straying to emotional topics again - more time on my hands plus missing my beautiful boy - but hey - all the more reason to get out walking and get the endorphins pumping. Sugar does not control me, I CAN resist it and I WILL feel better if I do.

Enjoy the amazing weather. We can do this.

xx

Feel on top of the world today. Am already beginning to notice that I have more energy and am actively looking for more ways to be active (like when I was out walking today I was finding the opposite of short cuts wherever possible - long cuts if you like - to increase the distance walked. The 30 min walk is fast becoming an hour walk - what's not to love about it when the weather is like this?!).

Pete's film about Spring and the change in the seasons (and in ourselves) also gave me such a boost that I have been walking around smiling today. petecohen.tv is also having other positive effects on me - like making time for myself - I had my hair cut today after colouring it myself while mum looked after tiny girl - and I feel so much better. I already feel slimmer (and taller!) but thanks to Ayesha's recent blog have refrained from weighing myself. I am going over to my parents' house on Sunday and may ask them to look after my scales for a couple of months as I don't want the number to contradict the way I am feeling and bring me crashing down.

And another reason to be cheerful? British strawberries have hit the shops - came home laden with strawberries and raspberries and am one very happy girl!

Am managing to eat slowly most of the time, and cutting down on sugar is working so far - I am still eating oat biscuits (fruit and spice) in the night if my sugar goes low before I feed little one but hey - that's a world away from the chocolate biscuits I was eating up until last week. Am also remembering how much I love salad of all kinds and treating myself with a gorgeous pile of raw veggies with most meals. Eating slowly is also helpingme identify which foods I really want - as last time, I am finding that this tool encourages me to 'think before I eat' as well as eating only when hungry, as so much absent-minded or craving-triggered eating involves gobbling food whilst standing in the kitchen - sitting down and eating slowly takes a large part of the temptation to snack unnecessarily away. And the walking for 30 mins is reminding me how good it feels to move, to breathe and to be in the fresh open air enjoying the sunshine. I still need to work on the caffeine and to fully ignore the sugar cravings after mid-afternoon but I already feel so much more in control - of my eating, my emotions and my future.

WE CAN DO THIS! And it's so much fun!

xxx

Day 2. Yesterday went really well - reduced my sugar intake substantially (and went hypo twice - have to get used to reducing my insulin again!), managed to eat slowly (a miracle!) and went on a brisk walk up the biggest hill in the village with the pram and with my son skipping ahead. Talking of my 5 year old sidekick, he is watching me like a hawk during meal times ('mummy - you can eat slower that THAT!') and devising combination walks around the village - his current triumph is the 'Mountain Loop Hecker' (the 'Hecker' is in tribute to the fact that it's a 'heck of a long way' apparently). Bless him. He is so excited that I already have more energy and clearly he wants me to build on that day by day (as do I). So with m y trusty 5 year old personal trainer by my side I cannot fail : )

My Tesco delivery arrived yesterday full of colourful nutritious goodies (I had to devise a completely new list as the old one had lots of unhelpful food on it) - my kitchen now looks like a greengrocers and lunch today was wholegrain rolls, smoked mackerel pate, salad leaves, tomatoes and coleslaw. YUUUUM! Note to self though - inject insulin AFTER eating as otherwise you are committing to eating ALL of your meal when eating slowly is there to help you realise you might not need all of it. Sermon over...

Happy Day 2 one and all - enjoy the glorious sunshine. We can do this.

xx

Am so excited. I was excited when baby girl woke up at 2am this morning, because it meant that Day 1 had started. I was excited when the light began to come in through the blinds because Day 1 was underway. And I was really excited this morning (having eaten my weetabix and banana SLOWLY and given my son breakfast and fed tiny girl) because it meant I could watch the Day 1 video and get moving with becoming the person that I want to be - the person that I WILL be.

So what am I going to achieve? I am going to be fitter than I have ever been in my adult life. I am going to remind myself of how proud I am of my body already, having been through all that it has, and how I will now be realising its full potential. I am going to be healthy and well for my children and for myself. I am going to come out of the recent emotional nightmare with my head held high, looking after myself, trusting myself and caring for myself. I am going to make fantastic, nutritious food choices that over time will become second nature again. I am going to dare to believe that all I want from the future is possible and to realise those dreams and ambitions. And I am going to fly.

My tools are eating slowly (which I managed this morning - first time since tiny girl was born!), reducing and then cutting out sugar and stimulants (this is going to be a tough one but am determined to get on with it - did a Tesco delivery order yesterday to be delivered today which was full of rightly coloured fruit and veg - yay!) and 30 mins walking every day.

I nearly didn't start the programme until after the easter holidays because of having my son at home but have decided instead to include him - he watched the video with me this morning and keeps asking 'which tools are you packing mummy?' and planning walks around our village that we can do together. This makes it so much more fun for all of us (and an added motivator for me - with the determination of a 5 year old behind me I will definitely succeed!)

The Kat that stands at the starting line today is a different one from the Kat that joined this programme last Spring. She is more fragile in some ways, having just had a baby and been through a very painful relationship collapse, but she is also so much stronger. The glandular fever has been kicked into touch, her family is complete in a way that she never dared to dream and she knows, without question, with absolute certainty, that she can do this.

So looking forward to walking hand in hand with so many of you on this amazing journey including so many familiar, comforting, supportive people (you know who you are : ) )

We can do this. We ARE doing this. And just how good does that feel?

xxx

Tiny girl has just started to grumble in her crib and will need a feed soon so will keep this brief. Today has been mixed at best - I managed to get all of us to church this morning which was great (a true miracle!) but if I am honest I have overdone it the last few days and wound up feeling very tired this afternoon but with no prospect of proper rest until late tonight (owing to childrens' bedtimes, feeds etc). The tiredness led to me feeling emotional about everything - really really sad and deceived and let down - I suspect this will be a recurring theme for some time and that I just need to let myself feel it rather than try to suppress it and then eat to try to numb it. That said, I didn't want to keep crying in fromt of my son (I am not afraid to cry in front of him but just didn't want to today) so I ate chocolate instead. And then more chocolate. And cake. So not great from an eating perspective but I remain committed to my plans for health and strength and am reminding myself that this is a blip and that in the same way that recovery from glandular fever was a case of two steps forward and one back over and over again, so recovery from the damage that this awful man has done may well be similar. There is a core of certainty to this therefore - however long it takes, and however hard and painful it feels, as I face up to all the lies, deceit and cruelty he subjected me to, I will get over this. I will get stronger. And I will return to health, in all senses of the word. Easter is a reminder of hope, renewal and new life. What could be more appropriate?

Love to you all. And even if at times it feels hard, we can do this.

xxxx

Have watched Tools 2-4 tonight and am feeling inspired and freaked out in equal measure (but in a good way!)

Am terrified by these particular tools given my current behaviour patterns - eating only when hungry scares me because food is currently an emotional prop, cutting out sugar seems almost impossible because now I am so tired (and emotional at times) sugar (and caffeine) have become quick (albeit empty) fixes and eating natural foods seems tricky because ready meals have started to feature for the first time in ages, just because I am so pushed for time with my son and a 6 week old baby to care for (even though most of them really taste rubbish). But as Pete says, it's best to identify the areas that frighten or alarm us the most and deal with them. So when I start Day One on Wednesday I will be cutting out sugar and stimulants and eating only when hungry (plus walking 30 minutes per day). From there I will build up to swimming again as part of regular exercise and activity and eating natural foods. I am longing to do the mp3 tool but rarely have 15 minutes at a stretch to myself (and never know when this will be - the joys of having a 6 week old with trapped wind!) So the mp3 may have to wait but apart from that I plan to grasp the scariest of the nettles first as I know that will make the biggest difference.

We can do this. And I know this because despite this being a very low and vuinerable point in my life, I have never felt stronger. Looking forward to Wednesday.

xx

Today has been amazing.

I felt energetic this morning and wanted to seize the day with all th strength I had - so I fed little one, had breakfast with my son, gave tiny girl her top up feed, changed her (am losing count of the explosive nappies!), changed her again and went to two supermarkets to buy ingredients for a cake as my son's godmother was coming over thiss afternoon and it's her birthday on Monday. It felt amazing to be out and about, shopping, looking after my two beautiful children and feeling so in control and positive. Had a lovely time baking with my son and he turned to me and said 'Mummy I am so glad you are better and have more energy.' Bless him - he has had a tired mummy since January 2009 thanks to glandular fever and pregnancy and I think we are both delighted that I can now do things with him and enjoy them. I have already suggested to him that we go for a brisk walk with the pram every day of the holidays and he is totally up for it and very excited - loving the way that energy seems to beget energy.

Once our visitors had left I felt very tired and then a little down about recent events. Found myself heading for the kitchen. And then my petecohen.tv head kicked in (an anti-duck if you will) and I thought 'no, Kathryn, blog instead and you won't feel tempted to snack when you are not hungry'. So here I am - taking control of and responsibility for my health and wellbring, looking forward to an active holiday with my children and getting my groove back! Thank you too from the bottom of my heart to all those of you who commented on my blog from yesterday - had forgotten how powerful and profoundly moving the support onhere can be and am so touched.

We can do this

xx

PS Watched Tool 1 (Eating Slowly) last night - not sure this will be possible with a 6 week old as I seem to have 30 seconds at best to eat myself before she needs me! Weirdly, I think it's the activity tools that will come easiest this time as walking with the pram settles her really well (unlike last year when I had acres of time to address the food/behaviour issues but no strength)...Wish me luck!

I have watched the Step 3 video just now (the first time baby girl has slept long enough all day for me to do this) and I ended up crying. Why? It was when Pete said to 'be gentle with yourself'. The last few weeks have been so so hard in so many ways and I have been endlessly criticising myself for not having realised what my partner was actually like, not having seen the warning signs, for turning to sugar over and over again as a source of comfort, for being so tired, for not getting outside enough etc etc etc. And I realised that the very last thing I need is to be hard on myself. The current situation is so incredibly hard on many levels that I really don't need to add to that stress by beating myself up for my reaction to it.

In response to that, I am proud of myself today because I

* managed to get out of the house and visit my grandmother (despite having a baby with occasionally explosive nappies!)
* napped when I needed to (and when tiny girl let me) but didn't sleep too long or for emotional reasons
* found the time to watch Step 3 despite tiredness and a fretful baby
* remembered to be kind to myself (thank you Pete - I am SO SO grateful for this programme tonight and know I can do this and do it well)
* have decided to start the programme properly on Tuesday as I want to take time with the tools and to ease off on the sugar in advance

So a tearful but positive blog as I stand poised at the start of the 21 days. I DESERVE to be in good health, to have energy and to make this the year that I truly realise my physical potential. I WILL get control of my eating again, wear clothes that make me feel wonderful and experience the joy I get from swimming, walking and feeling my body move. And I CAN heal from what has happened to me in the last few months as I am beginning to recognise that I am fortunate to be walking away from this relationship with my sense of self relatively intact and with my beautiful daughter in my arms and my son by my side.

We can do this. I can do this. And nothing, and nobody, is going to stop me.

xxx

OK. I am ready. Have watched the introduction to the programme (and laughed again at Pete's Ministry of Anti-Health film) and also gone through the first two steps. Baby girl is due her feed very soon (she's now over 6 weeks old!) plus cotton wool brain means I can only take this slowly so am calling it a day today but I will watch step 3 and the tools videos tomorrow. And then on Saturday, I will start Day One. I can't wait. So much has changed in the last year, some wonderful, some very very sad, but watching the introduction today has reminded me of how far I came last year in terms of increasing my fitness and shifting the pounds and how I can achieve that and more this year. My eating has frightened me in the last few weeks - bingeing on sugary rubbish has started looking like a tempting form of escapism again but I finally feel strong enough and enough like me again, after all that's happened, to say NO - I am not going down that dark route again - I want to be fit and well for my children and for myself and NOTHING is going to stop me. I owe this to myself and to those I love - I choose health, energy, hydration, relaxed control and feeling fabulous. I went on a brisk walk today with the pram which helped no end - the endorphins were pumping and the sunshine and wind blew cobweb after cobweb away. So here I am. An old hand in some ways, but also a complete newbie, and nervously excited about what the coming months and years will hold. I am properly back and I am ready.

We can do this.

xx

I left a message on his answermachine last Friday and after a weekend of silence got a letter from him on Tuesday. He reiterated his desire to have no further contact with his baby daughter or me (henow claims he is in a relationship and about to get engaged). I have no interest in whether this is true or not - it just reaffirms my clear sense that my darling baby daughter is better off without him in her life, as he is clearly so flaky and unstable that he could let her down at any time. It still hurts terribly (and is very shocking as I never saw this coming) but all in all I am now looking to the future and building a secure healthy and loving foundation for my little family. I told my 5 year old son that we wouldn't be seeing my (ex) partner or his children again earlier this week and his response moved me to tears (both sad and happy). He looked really concerned and asked whether that meant that his sister wouldn't get to see her daddy. When I told him that was right, he said 'but that might mean she will feel less loved'. I was about to reply when he paused and then said 'but it's ok mummy - we will just have to love her a little bit more.' I was so proud of him for thinking like that and although I know he is sad about not seeing my former partner's children again it was amazing that his first thought was for his sister. So there is a lot to feel thankful for and a lot to be excited about - and getting fit and healthy is one of them. I know I am still indulging in my sugar addiction more than is good for me (and stalling when I think about getting stuck into Day One) but my resistance is diminishing and soon there will be no stopping me. Watch this space....

Have a wonderful time this weekend - will be thinking of you all. We can do this! xxx

Since having my baby girl I have been a bit like a child in a sweet shop (or in my case a Type 1 diabetic in a sweet shop) - I had to control my levels so religiously during the pregnancy but when I was discharged from hospital with my beautiful daughter, I was told to keep sugary snacks on hand to keep my levels high enough to breastfeed. Tesco Direct has been delivering danish pastries and chocolate bars ever since (and yes, these have also served to help me try to block out the fact my partner has just chosen to disappear). But I have taken some time today to reflect on this - the first step to sort this out was blogging a few days ago, and I have now decided to start the programme again sooner than I was going to - after all, I lost over 2 stone last time when I had glandular fever so not being able to do all the exercise components will not be the end of the world, and will get me in the right frame of mind for when I have had my six week check. I will make sure I eat enough slow release carbs and fruit to address the need for sugar (plus I have had to resort to top-up bottle feeds for her because my milk still isn't enough for her so if my levels aren't high enough she will still get the hydration and immunity from me and the carbs/fat from the bottles) and I will make 2010 the most amazing year yet - it has seen the completion of my little family, and will also see the transformation of it's mummy into the healthiest, fittest version of herself she can be. I am currently 15st 8 (my wedding weight - from all the way back in 2003 - as it happens!) - I have gained just over three stone in the pregnancy but if I hadn't started petecohen.tv last year, and had gained the same amount, I would now be rocking in at nearly 18 stone so am so pleased that I lost weight beforehand.

Am planning to go through the steps and tools over the next week and start Day 1 on 15 March - and am already HUGELY excited by the thought. It is SOOOOOO good to be back. The comments on my last blog were like a huge group hug from all of you (the same effect that today's sunshine has had on me) and I am so grateful - WE CAN DO THIS!!

xxxxxxxxxx

Where to begin? Well, the best news is that despite quite serious illness in the final weeks of pregnancy, my precious baby daughter was born on 17 February by emergency C section and although she had problems breathing initially (she was a month early) and spent some time in special care, she is now home and an absolute poppet. I didn't get to see her for the first 24 hours as I was confined to bed and she was on a breathing machine but seeing her for the first time was an incredibly moving experience and as immediate as if she had just been born that minute. She has dark hair like her mummy and is slowly unfurling from the curled-up sleep of the just-born. My son is VERY PROUD of her indeed and very protective as only a five and a half year old big brother can be : )

I am doing really well too - much less post-caesarean pain than when I had my son and am already quite mobile (and very keen to get back into petecohen.tv as soon as reasonably possible). After my 6 week check I am going to join a post-natal aqua group plus a walking group called Pushy Mums which involves pushing prams across rough terrain and doing aerobics outside! It's a glorious time of year to have had a baby as there is so much scope for being outdoors - plus I have more energy than I have had in over a year (thanks to the delights of both glandular fever and pregnancy). It feels like someone has just switched the lights back on and nothing is going to stop me now!

The other main reason I am so keen to be back on here (as well as catching up with all of you lovely people) is that I have had a really tough time with my partner in the last fortnight - he has gone from being supportive, loving and excited about the baby's arrival to sending me a text when she was 5 days old saying he wants nothing to do with her or me and to never contact him again. He then dumped all the baby things on my front path in the middle of the night in the rain. I have no idea what is going on or what he has told his children about why they are not now going to see their sister - he might have had a breakdown, he might be in shock or maybe he is just a very different person from the one I thought I knew and loved, but whatever the reason I am very very shocked and cannot make sense of this (and he will not take my calls). I WILL seek answers at some point once I am stronger but I REFUSE to let this make me turn once again to the old comforter of food as I did when my husband left. I am a far stronger person now than I was then (thanks in no small part to this programme) and I will get through this, both for my own sake and the sake of my babies, but a little bit of venting on here and some words of wisdom from my beloved Pete-ettes should set me right. Don't want to overly dwell on this now as the most important focus of this blog is the arrival of my beloved daughter and the fact that every day I am struck by just what a miracle she is. One of the definitions of Grace is 'unexpected blessing' - entirely appropriate.

Loads of love to all of you - we can do this!!

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Just to wish you all a happy new year - am now 30 weeks and rounder than a Christmas pudding but in good health and apart from inevitable tiredness, doing well (mood steady and sugar levels under control). I am due to have an elective Caesarean on 5 March which seems very close already and cannot wait to meet our tiny girl...

Am feeling increasingly excited too about getting back into the Pete zone again once I have had the baby. Annoyingly I am having to eat to meet my insulin requirements at the moment - which are all over the place so following the programme in that sense is a no-go at the minute but just try and stop me once I am post-partum! 2010 is going to be a great year - let's make the most of it, seize any opportunity to make it fantastic and realise our full potential.

We can do this!

xxxxxx