Weight Loss Journals - petecohen.tv

to shut the duck up!
Day 5 and I was up half the night worrying and actually in tears for some time due to some concerns for my health and the awaited test results. I know most of the battle that I have got at the moment is with the flaming duck and his band of followers who keep quacking incessantly.

My boyfriend is really helping me to keep in control of food as he is also trying to lose a few kgs and that is definitely helping me to keep that aspect of things under control, but the internal conversation is going to worst case senarios all the time which is fairly destructive as I still dont know what I'm dealing with yet.

So today I am going to paint. I've bought some books with techniques I've been wanting to try out for a long time and I've dusted down my art bin and brushes and I'm going to free myself with new things. I'm going to not have expectations of outcomes, but let things unfold, yes, its a huge metaphor! The other thing I will do later on is rest. I usually see it as wasting time to stop at any point during the day and I know that it is absolutely not helping me at the moment. I'm sure a lot of my overeating from the past has come from not listening to my body about when to stop and take it easy, so today I am going to try that as well.

The sun is finally shining after torrential rain all night and the crytal prism is creating beautiful rainbows all over the walls of the living room and it is lifting my spirit.

Here's to another day of not over eating and trying to get my mind into a good place :)
Joolz x

Having restarted the 21 days a few times now I sometimes wonder why I start! Day 2 this time around has been no exception of the world throwing huge amounts of doo doo at me, much like every other time.

However, unlike previous times I've not let it affect me in the same way. HUGE progress. In the past the emotional turmoil that yesterday brought would have sent me down the corner shop at the very least, but when faced with buying bread rolls in the bakers for lunch it certainly wouldnt have kept me on track, even when the girls asked for gingerbread men and I had to face the cake shelf instead of ignoring it.
Pats on back all round.

Anyway, I've got a bit of a health (hopefully) scare, though the Dr's reaction didnt fill me with much hope that it is a scare, but am trying to keep calm and wait for test results. Much to my surprise my first thoughts weren't 'oh poor me', but 'I'm not going to be fat and ill as well', in a very indignent sort of way - HUGE progress.

Other people keep telling me how mentally strong I am, and I am actually starting to believe it. I look back on all the things I have come through in the recent past and wonder how I got through it all, but the fact of the matter is that I have got through it all, I have come out of some serious crap the other side and still smiling (most of the time) and in one piece.
I'm now in a relationship where I feel loved for who I am, and dont feel that I have to prove myself to be otherwise. The ex husband still continues to be a complete arse and I still allow him to get under my skin (which needs to be worked on)

My creativity has returned and I'm painting again. I'm hoping that if things go well I may possibly have enough work to put on an exhibition sometime maybe the early part of next year. I'm trying to see if I can get funding to do an OU degree, but if not that then there is an RHS course that I am really interested in taking which can be studied via distance learning and I can afford without having to sell any of my healthy body parts!!

Its my mums 60th birthday today and I'm so looking forward to catching up today with everyone who I've not seen for years in some cases. Despite there being a buffet as food I'm going to keep as focused as I can (please someone hide the wine!!)

I can and I will succeed :)

Hello Petettes

Back from a leave of absence and have managed to talk myself out of being mediocre and back to being exceptional again. The past few months have been an interesting ride and I'm learning alsorts of new things about myself and how I react to things all the time, but stopped listening so much to my body and what it really needs and its time to get back to doing that properly.

I have been reading bits and pieces of what people have been getting up to, but I havent been actively participating in any programme or plan and I feel that I need to make that part of my life a priority again and make my innards just as important as everything else, cos lets face it if I dont then the rest of stuff doesnt really matter anyway if I'm not working properly from the inside!

I'm not sure how much I'll blog. I have started writing things down as they come to me in a paper journal which is sometimes just more accessible than logging onto a computer, but I will where I can.

Have a great day everyone
Joolz x

So far today its been a pretty good day. I'm suing the SW plan again as I know it works and I need the boundaries that it sets. Left to my own devices I dont do so well and my will power leaks from me at an alarming rate of knots. Its ok. Its the realism of the situation, I dont feel bad that I cant be left to my own devices, just pleased that I have made the stand to go back to something that works well for me.

Weight loss isnt my motivating factor at all at the moment (well sort of is, but I'm not involving the scales at the moment) I have trousers that are a little on the snug side that fitted quite nicely a few months ago and they will be my yard stick as to how well I am doing.

My main motivator is to stop slowly poisoning my body with unneccessary pver processed crap that I have been justifying as ok for a long time now. The only person being damaged is me and my internal stuff which I would really like to keep in working order for as long as possible so its a no brainer as to what I need to do, just seem to have had no brain on the subject for a while!

Anyhoo...day 1 nearly done, only hurdle later is that there is some cake knocking around from a baptism I went to yesterday. Hopefully it wont lead to silly eating later on, but I'm fairly confident it wont. :)

the last blog.

I've not quite gone into self destruct mode but I cant say that I have been eating well recently. Excuses have come back and generally I'm not feeling great about what I am consuming. I have good intentions every morning and then at some point by lunch time its all gone to pot and I find it difficult to rescue the day.

I could make even more excuses right now as to all the emotional crap I've been dealing with the past month, but its all it would be. I've got really good at beating myself with the stick again and the duck has got a really strong case of tourettes.

Not quite sure how to rescue myself or my waistline right now...

Morning folks!

Its been a while since I last blogged but life and the Easter Hols have very much limited my computer time which is probably a good thing. I feel for the first time that I am living life and not watching it pass me by, or waiting for something specific to feel able to join in.

My new fella (who some of you have met) is absolutely lovely and things are going incredibly well and I feel very happy and secure in this relationship which is certainly a new experience for me.

Both my girls had their birthdays at the weekend so there has been a LOT of cake about, but its all gone now and I am certainly feeling the effects of not eating properly for a couple of days and its not a feeling I want to carry on with.

Sorry short and sweet again but I have to go into town and see my solicitor again this morning. My divorce comes through on Friday but apparently there are still a couple of things that need sorting out with other parts of the settlement???

Anyway take care peeps xxx

Wow, what a marvellous weekend. So great to meet up with people. Managed to not buy any 'products' this V show which has made me really pleased with myself.

There's some photos on FB and a classic Dear Diary entry written by Pete ;-)
*giggles* The rest of the weekend was fab too

Lots of busy stuff to do....laters x

Gosh, only 2 blogs in March *smacks wrist!*

Well its being a very eventful month. Last week it was my borthday and I had the most amazing day with Sezza and another friend. We was ladies wot lunched and then went to a salon for facials and massages...absolute bliss.

I think the last time I updated I had just joined a dating site, well.... I met someone who I think will be a very special someone indeed. Its doing wonderful things for curbing my appetite and when we've eaten out I've made good choices, eaten slowly and left food on my plate!!!! I'm looking at around a 4lb loss for this week so I am thrilled!

Its all looking very promising anyway and I'm enjoying every minute of it and hopefully I wont come back down to earth for a very long time.

Am really looking forward to thye V show on Saturday and meeting up with people at the show and afterwards as well in the evening (new fella may well be in attendance *wink*)

J x

Ooops been almost a week since I've blogged but I've been busy!

I've been feeling really good about myself. Things with the guy from overseas finally came to a proper conclusion and I feel that we've had a 'proper' breakup now which has closed that chapter and allowed me to get on with the next, though the relationship had in all honesty been finished since Christmas.

Anyway, a few days ago I joined up to an online dating site and went for my first date for lunch yesterday. The guy was really sweet, completely not right for me, but we had a really good time and laughed lots. It was an Italian place we went to and I panicked slightly when I saw it was mostly a choice of pizza on the menu. I refused the bread/oil dippy thing which pleased me no end and I had a risotto which I ate slowly and enjoyed every mouthful. It was probably laden with far too much cheese, but it was delish and I'd walked the 3 miles to the restaurant and walked the 3 miles home again so I think in the grand scheme of things it was ok. Its the first time eating out when contronted with a menu where I cant choose something ultra healthy that I havent totally lost it and gone into sod it mode and eaten everything in sight. I was so pleased with myself. I also was full after the main course, (and keeping the moral high ground as clearly the guy isnt interested in his waistline!!) and refused desert as I just didnt need anything else. HOORAH, HOORAH *jumps about and does a little dance*

There's been an enormous amount of interest in my profile on there (I've used the pic I have on my FB for those of you on there) and I know that I'm looking alright these days, but what makes me giggle hugely is that guys really have no clue about weight what so ever and it really is just numbers on a scale! There's a part where you can specify what you're looking for in your date, height eye colour interests blah blah and there is a part about weight. So...guys are filling out they're looking for a date with a height between 5'5 and 6ft and weighing between (get this *giggles*) 6st2 and 8st 4 lmao!!!! Clearly they have no clue, or they are looking for a twig that will fall over if they sneeze!!!! Funnily enough I've not included my weight on my profile because I dont look the weight I weigh and they are just numbers!

Anyway, there are a couple of others that I would like to meet up with for a coffee and find out a bit more about them, but I'm certainly not looking for Mr long term love move in with me marry me kind of thing. I want some company, I want a giggle, I want to share some interests with someone, and most of all feel like me and not be someone's wife or mother. I dont go to bars and clubs and if I did the chances are the type of person I would be interested in wouldnt be there anyway, I dont want a complete gym bunny so looking there would be out of the question, so online it is, in the safety of my office I can vet all manner of weirdos and nice guys alike and be in control of who I speak to and what information I give them (I'm being incredibly cagey so dont worry about me girls ;-)

So there we have it, what Joolz has been up to for the last few days!!!! I'm off down to the allotment now to plant some rasberry canes as the ground is not frozen right now, so a bit of cycling and digging to get the heart rate up a tad

Ta ra me lovelies x

Wow, the end of Feb! How did that happen?!!

I guess its time for a bit of a look back about what has gone well.

The past couple of days I've had my 'oldest' (we've been friends since we were 13) friend stay who is also my eldest daugher's godmother and I've had such a good time. Normally it would be and excuse to get takeaways and drink waaaayyyyyy too much each night, but I did really well not succumbing to those 'normal' activities that I would have done in the past. We did fancy icecream after dinner and went to the shop to get one, and we did share a bottle of wine each evening, but in the past we'd have probably had at least a bottle each (maybe it is a sign that we're getting old???)

My birthday is now only just over a week away and I did want to lose 7lbs before then. I think given how my attitude to food seems to be just about turning a corner I have a very good chance of achieving what I have set out to do, and I have got the next week planned already food wise, and I just need to make sure that my hunger scale gets noticed and I have things to snack on if I need to without getting too hungry by any given meal.

Now the fog of depression seems to be lifting a little I also realise how many amazing people I have in my life, and that I dont need one person's attention to feel validated and loved and as such that relationship that was holding me back I think will gradually fade in to the background. It feels a good thing, and I feel freer as well, just need to persuade him that us losing contact wont be the end of the world! He's a bit clingy and needy and so what I dont need.

The (almos)t ex-husband - (divorce should be through on Weds, well the Nici anyway) is being very helpful with the children at the moment and the kids seems very settled right now, though I know that I need to spend some more quality time with my eldest as its what she needs.

I generally like March as a month. You can start to smell spring in the air. I'm looking forward to a Mellow March where all the stresses and strains of the past few months melt away. And of course there is the V Show to look forward to and the party to meet all you lovely folks, and my birthday which I'm spending with Sezza and another friend :D

Half Term at mums went better than I anticipated in terms of food. The normal tonnes of shite she buys (because its a nice 'treat' for the girls) had been listened to and wasnt there. I'm not quite sure that she understands that ladels of mayonnaise do the same thing and the salads werent as calorifically light as they could have been, but the thought was there and that did mean a lot.

Unfortunately there were things said that upset me a lot. Going back to my parents house (and the house that I grew up in) I revert to being that child without much of a voice, it sucks but Freud is right, that parent/child relationship will be there and it wont matter how old I get!!! It did spin me out for a few days after I got home and I'm just starting to pull myself back together.

Good news on one thing though. My bike which was stolen on bonfire night has been paid for by my insurance company and yesterday the buildings claim for the fence was approved so I can finally get it repaired. To say it has been stressing me out is a huge understatement.

I hurt my back sometime over the last few days and I went to the dr yesterday as I didnt think that constant pins and needles down my legs was right and all he could comment on was me being fat and he said he had a feeling he wanted to look in my eyes and apparently there is something wrong with one of the muscles in them ????? I'm due an eye exam anyhow but he wants the results from that to go to him (I'll humour him on that!) But the issue he had with my weight I laughed at!! If only he'd seen me when I was fat lmao!! THEN he would have had just cause to comment, but now, I know I'm slightly overweight, I'm a grown up, I can deal with it and maybe actually he did do me a favour because I now have a point to prove so maybe it might just pull my finger out enough to get on and finish the weightloss job!!!!

I planned last night pretty much a 2 week menu, with all 3 meals mapped out so that there is no duplicating of main meals 2 days running. It will certainly help with using up things I already have in the freezer and cupboards and therer shouldnt be any getting to 5pm and thinking 'whats for dinner?'!

I need to try and have a look for an acupuncturist or a massuse to see if that may help my pins and needles issue. Its so uncomfortable I cant begin to tell you, and unsurprisingly I only got offered painkillers from the dr most of which I cant take as the side effects are too harsh (my body really doesnt metabolise painkillers well)

So, if anyone knows a good acupuncturist or massuse in North Cambs/South Lincs let me know and I'll get my dodgy eyes sorted as well!!

I'm actually starting to enjoy myself! The epiphany I had over the past couple of days (and the lack of contact this week from my mum) has sort of calmed my mind a bit. I am taking the girls there for a couple of days next week so that really will be a chance to test things out. Eating there will be really difficult as my mother tends to smother stuff in lots of sauces, has lots of crisps and other crap that none of us need. I will have to be strong and keep focused because I know how long it takes me to recover from a few days veering off track.

Anyway, its recap day and though I did a bit yesterday I thought I'd refocus on what I have achieved this month so far.

Credit - hmm probably a 6/10
shutting the duck up...when I recognise the guises the duck takes I'm good, but I often miss it so 2/10
eating slowly...getting much better 7/10
food choices...big improvement 8/10
being patient...again getting better 7/10
being positive...in the past few days much better 8/10
drinking water...HUGE improvement 9/10
exercise...still lots of room for improvement 5/10

overall not a great report card, but its stuff that I want to work on and will work on.
I think I need to start gearing myself up and making myself prepared for going to mums so that I have in my head already planned how to respond when she goes all Mrs Doyle on me with the 'go on...go on...' senario or 'one bit wont hurt' or 'well you went for a walk earlier so it will be alright' or 'you didnt have much at breakfast' or any of the other excuses she uses for HERSELF.

Fail to plan...plan to fail... I'm going to do my best that that doesnt happen this visit to see her.

Had a bit of an epiphany yesterday. I blame my mother a lot for making me feel like crap and in fairness she really doesnt say stuff to help me feel otherwise. I dont know why she favours my brother and sister over me and bends over backwards to help them out, but its just the way it is. Its not fair, but I know I just have to suck it up and deal with it and not let it get in the way of where I want to get to. I know its not going to be easy, and a lot of the time, if I could, I would cut the relationship out because I honestly dont feel like I benefit from it an awful lot. I dont want her to come visit me out of guilt that she hasnt seen me or the girls in months, (she visits my sister and the baby at least once a week) I'd like her to be a lot different with me, and I have tried having the conversations and the duck is marvellous at quacking the conversations in my head that I could have with her, but I know that she wont hear what I wont to say and it would end in lots of drama and its not going to be productive. I realise now that when I call for help like when my marriage was getting iffy and ask if she could mind the children for the weekend so that the husband and I could try and have some space to resolve our differences she was too busy for a least a month and told me all couples go through problems and it would be fine!!!! Ya think?!!!

I think some of the issues she has is that I have taken control with my weight and got it mostly under control. I worked my butt off losing 9 stone, I went through 2 tummy tucks to have the most amazing stomach that I am so proud of. I think she thinks I'm strong, and I am, but it takes a lot for me to ask for help, so when I do call her and ask that she have the kids or comes over to give me a hand it literally is because I have exhausted all my own resources. I think my lightbulb moment is that even in the darkest time all that will come from me asking for help from her is that it wont be forthcoming and to stop thinking that it might change. I have to only rely on myself, there is no one else I can rely on and therefore I have to suck it up and become stronger than I am already because I have no one else to do anything for me.

Also in the lightbulbs going off all around me I found the focus that I need for my body. I'm not looking to have a catwalk body, but I want to shift enough of the excess on my hips that my knickers sit flat against my skin (sorry if TMI!) and that the muffin top (not that it is huge) dimishes. That is what is what I am aiming for.

In order to get that what do I need to do
- eat well...been doing really good despite a couple of wobbles
- drink more water...also going much better than a month ago
- exercise more...and this is where I need to shout I RAN 0.6KM THIS MORNING AND DIDNT DIE!!!! Its the first time I've run in a long time (since school) and I have new running shoes I bought specifically and I ran 0.3km with the kids on the way to school, then had to walk about another 0.6km as it goes through a narrow alleyway and then ran the rest on the way back. The run on the way there I felt lovely and chilled and relaxed and took it nice and easy, the way back I did feel myself tightening up a bit and conciously relaxed my breathing and shoulders and pushed through to the end. In the past I would have given up as the air was really cold and hurting my lungs, but it felt so good to finish strong.

I might head down to the allotment later for the first time this year, but the ground is so wet that I dont know if I'll be able to do anything. I have a few things to finish up round the house then we'll see what time is left after that.

What I've said about my mum may sound like I dont care about her, but its not that at all. I just cant take the emotional crap anymore and its going to be hard to avoid it, but I'm going to have to not let it get to me. I will probably never know why she treats me differently to the other two, but I feel so let down that I have to let it go so I dont get more hurt by it in the future.

Bit of a weird start to the day. I couldnt stop sneezing! I'm hoping it counts as exercise lol! I dont think I'm getting sick as the rest of me feels fine, but I decided to take it a bit easy in the morning.

Food wise was GOOD yesterday. Water was lacking, and I did feel the difference it made not being properly hydrated having been quite good at keeping up with it for a few days.

I resisted biscuits when offered them after the church service which deserves a huge pat on the back, it was my downfall the day before when I was offered cake and the rest of the day was awful.

I'm trying to unravel why I do certain things and to get to the bottom of some of the reasons for punishing myself with food. And what I do is a form of punishment or abuse as I know that when I eat certain things my body feels absolutely horrible and I end up with physical pain. I need to learn ways to deal with whatever it is that triggers it, but sometimes I'm not entirely sure of the trigger and thats what I do need to try and identify so that I can put alternative things in place to prevent me from basically harming myself from the inside out.

I've had a tough year. Its almost a year since the husband and I separated and my divorce should be through in a couple of weeks. Adjusting to life as a single parent has been tough. Reforming a relationship on a different level with the husband so that we can continue to parent our children effectively has been difficult, but its working; finding out who I am when I'm not being a wife and mother is probably the most challenging part of what I'm going through.
For a long time I have been defined by both roles, but I know there is more to me than that, and I do show that on a daily basis with my art and crafts, but I feel the need to define myself and that is probably where I trip myself up sometimes.
Most people when they first meet you never say...so what makes you tick, they ask what you do, and when my reply comes back 'I look after my children' I see this glazed look come across and it hurts because I know I'm a really good mother, but its not soley what defines me.

Blah...I'm waffling and not sure its going anywhere!

Yesterday didnt go so well.

I wasnt feeling so great when I woke up this morning and almost said 'sod it' but managed to rescue breakfast from being things that I would eat because I was in 'sod it' mode to a nice healthy brekkie and am now feeling very pleased with myself.

Have dinner all planned out, so just need to avoid the temptation of an 'easy' lunch with sandwiches (which is what my youngest will want) as I just cant tolerate bread and its dumb to eat it - hopefully have learnt from yesterday!

Have some cold chicken in the fridge so should be able to do something yummy with that without having to resort to an afternoon of feeling like I have flu because I've eaten bread!