Weight Loss Journals - petecohen.tv

Sorry I have not blogged in few weeks, just not had much to say

After reading cristina blog about starting a fresh – realised that's what I need to do too

I keep starting the 21days, I have it on while making lunch – my mind wanders

Soo tonight I am going to start from the beginning, the introduction, listen to each tool & resource section

I really want to master eating slowly

We go away in 20 days now, I was worried I am not the weight I wanted to be by now
But we will be doing soo much walking, I may lose weight in vegas!
Hubby wants to do a 5 hour walk at zion national park
Food wise, I am going to order kids portions

I watched day 2 today – makes more sense now my niece is trying to walk
Mainly she just cant be bothered, had loads of tests done, all seems fine.
Why do it when you can crawl faster.
Like Pete said you have too at some point
We just turn round sometimes & she is standing to get something

The weekend was not too bad food wise, I drank a lot of red wine

I went to the gym last night for the first time in 6 weeks. I have been doing my DVD's at home
A really good session – I jogged for a whole 1 minute – then nearly died!!
I ache today

I am going to try a Zumba class next week if I can talk a friend into coming with me
Not confident enough to go on my own to the first class

Forget the past & start again

Sat evening was great, Brighton was manic
We got the last train home – train journey from HELL
I don't like trains at the best of times, this is why

It was packed, you could not move
We get a few mins near the first station & the train stops suddenly, people say they can smell smoke
Guess what I start to panic
Then some girls come in to our carriage saying blood everywhere – someone had been bottled in the face. The emergency cord had been called
We were just sitting in the tunnel for 30mins

We got off at the next station – hubby was verrryyy drunk
He is normally good when I panic – he went mad at me for being stupid
I was in tears

We got home & slept in separate rooms – he has not mentioned it since
He was soo aggressive, it scared me.
Now I don't know whether to bring it up or not


Sunday was lovely in maidenhead, my old boss is from Goa & had done loads of spicy meats
Rice, salmon, beans, 3 currys – all home made – he must have been cooking for days

It was all a bit spicy for me
I had 1 bit of chicken, rice, tablespoon of curry (blew my mind) – loads of salad
Loads of wine too

I went swimming last night & managed 30 lengths at last – back to what I used to do

Another busy weekend this weekend
My sister is moving, sat will be a good workout – I need to be careful with my back

Another wedding on Sunday – I think I will drive, I am not sure we will know many people

Starting day 1 tomoz

Still up & down emotionally, but not keeping binge food in

Very happy I can exercise again
Healthy eating this week
Being kind to myself or at least trying to

Vegas is now, 6 weeks away, no where near the weigh I wanted to be
Exercise will at least help me tone up

Eating has been ok, but not sleeping due to nerves

Sorry I have not been on the blogs must this week - not in my office - I have to look like I am working

I went to meet David Cameron yesterday as he was in brighton – it was just conservative party members
I was representing my town (burgess hill)
I was told to think of 1 question as only 100 people there – he hoped to answer as many as possible
Well I had no need to be nervous really
As there was actually 250 people there in the end
Just got to shake hands with him

He was running late so only a few questions were answered
I was so scared if I got picked, I would freeze on the spot

I got there – posh hotel in brighton – no one I knew
Took a deep breath & went to the bar & got a drink & sat at a table on my own – a year ago I would never have done this & would be having a panic attack outside

Then I saw someone I have met once & went over to meet them – god I was shaking

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I am going to miss the Tuesday sessions

As much as I have not lost weight & put on
I can see it was down to being ill rather than before the programme I would have given up & gone back to eating crap all the time

It really is about learning to accept yourself & live in the moment rather than saying you will only be happy when!!
The only thing that would make me truly happy is to have my mum back

The course has been very thought provoking & putting you in the right mindset to lose weight

I have really been able to see my moods change a lot quicker now
Even hubby said after I did my back in, he thought I would be down for weeks

Hubby made a fab curry the other night – he has no idea what was in it
Loads of spices, chicken & sourcream – worked soo well

======================================

I have been able to exercise this week – at last

My niece called me Auntie yesterday – well I am not soo sure but my sister said she did. She wanted me loads yesterday, everyone says she looks like me more than my sister – she can throw a good tantrum like I used to!!

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Busy weekend
Out in brighton for a friends bday tomoz
Then sun going to maidenhead to see friends – rather nervous as he is goan & there will be massive amount of food
Eat slowly & stop when full


Have a good weekend all

I have ordered
30 day shred – says interval training – a friend is raving about it
Kettlebell workout – but uses dumbbells – suits me better
Cant afford kettlebells yet- xmas present I think
Only £5 each on amazon

I am planning on using them in the garden – I can stick them in the laptop & take that outside

Neighbours will think I am nuts
They do anyway when they hear me arguing with the cat I am sure

The gym is not appealing as I cant really use much with my back

I will try the yoga class again – last time the lady did not explain anything as everyone was a regular
Then hoping I can learn some good moves & use yoga channel on sky

Going swimming tonight – no rush to get home, I can take along as I like or till my back starts hurting again

I had an awful nights sleep last night, my back was throbbing
I will listen to the relaxation mp3 tonight

Really trying to think about my achievements rather than failures
What do I really want
To be fit & healthy
To keep my anxiety under control
Find my selfworth/confidence again

Tonight
Exercise
Eating slowly
Relaxation – Jacuzzi in the gym I think

Really enjoyed last nights session – cant believe it is the last week next week
Sandie comments really made sense yesterday – there are 8 other tools I can concentrate on until I can exercise again
I was getting obsessed as I cant do it now

Yes the duck is telling me I am a failure as I must be the only person to put on weight on this programme
I keep forgetting it has been about far more than weight for me

Actually now my mind is clearer
I have always drunk the water anyway – rarely do on weekends
I have not been snacking anymore other than fruit
We rarely eat processed food – once a month
Last week realised we had not had pasta in weeks – we used to eat that 3 times a week
I rarely have panic attacks & they are mild when I do now
I cant remember the last time I binged

I need more practice at
Relaxing
Eating slowly
Being kind to myself

I have just treat the last few months as a long wobble – not give up like the duck is telling me to

I have been to the docs again today, she said my back still looks very swollen
Now my shoulder hurts too – where I have been walking stiff I guess

Different pain killers more to get the inflammation down
She said not to lift anything heavy for 6 weeks

Holiday is in 8 weeks

I am going to see if I can get on a yoga class – I did not really enjoy pilates few months ago as the teacher did not really explain anything as I was the only new one there

Busy weekend this weekend – 3 BBQ's
2BBQ to go to sat, I will not each much at the lunchtime one

Family BBQ at the inlaws, taking my dad & wife
The BBQ last year I was a nervous wreck that my dad would get drunk & embaress me in front of the inlaws
Still a bit nervous, but who cares- hubby is used to my dad after 13yrs with me


I watched living with size zero last nite – I was in tears – that's what I put my family through
You are just in your own world
To be honest I am glad I had bulimia then & not now as with all the websites she was looking at to help with tips on hiding it
We did not have the internet at home, thank god

You think when you are unhappy that being slim will make you happy
Her waist was 23inches – my thighs are like 25inches each
What was interesting was her fiancée saying she was perfect at a size 12

Tonight I am going back over the tools & going to use the daily checker rather than deleting the email

I have been very depressed the last 2 to3 weeks now
My back is not much better

Having to work as we cant afford for me not to as I don't get paid

Seeing the doctor tomoz

We went to the wedding on Sunday – it was totally amazing place
Up until 4pm I was not going as my back hurt soo much
But I did – I did feel fat & frumpy – looking at the pics – you can really see the top streatched where I have put on soo much weight

BUT I did really enjoy it & laughed loads

18lbs on since xmas now – sooo down about it

I did console myself with uncle sam's burger & chips on Sunday – next best to cooking it yourself as made to order & not stodgy
That is all I ate Sunday, I was not hungry the rest of the day

My back does seem a bit easier today, never sure if it actually is or just the painkiller numbing it

I have not been watching the daily videos, going to bed when I get home most days

I just don't have the enthusiasm to do anything
BUT I have not binged, which I am trying to focus on not doing at least

We had the day off together yesterday, nice day. My sister & the kids came up
Then when they had gone, we opened a bottle of wine at 3pm & sat in the garden

Have a good week all

Sat before last I did my back in
Doc said sounds like swollen discs (over phone as I could not get out bed)

I could not move for few days

Doctor gave me valium – 3 a day to stop me tensing soo much
Taking Valium, nurofen & co-drydamol

I was signed off all week – stressed that I don't get paid just statutory – lost £300

I spent most of the week in tears feeling useless & worthless
Just feel like I was back to where I started a year ago

Worried I would be dependant on valium again
But I have not taken it since Sunday

Then I tried to do the sleep walk on sat only 6miles (10k) I managed half – got to lindfield & I was in agony
Called hubby to pick me up
I felt such a failure but I did raise £100 for the hospice

Last fri I managed to drive & go swimming – did 20 lengths – very slowly

Back to work mon – in agony when I get home

At least I could not binged as I could not drive to the shops or get downstairs to the kitchen
My sister took me to the shop on thurs, I brought big bar of dark chocolate, still some left – unless hubby has eaten it!!

I fell asleep last nite, hence late on to the live session – the duck was telling me why bother.
You have ruined everything you have done
Very glad I did join

It is only now I feel like I can do more with my life & that I spent my 20's panicking & avoiding doing soo much incase I would panic

Told to avoid the gym for a few weeks
The pool is open such stupid times in the week for swimming
I will try to swim this weekend too

Any ideas of any other exercises I can do that wont hurt my back??

We have a wedding sun – the dress I wanted to wear does not do up, I wont be able to wear heels
Thinking I will feel awful, I will avoid all pics

Have a good week all

It is mother in laws bday – we are out for dinner – what fun!!
Can someone make good notes for me & email me cherrypeters@btinternet.com

What a week
Stomach bug has gone
Now done my back in, in agony. Been off work yesterday & today
I think I did it getting out of my dads hottub – just twisted as I got out

I am not snacking as agony getting downstairs to the kitchen

I was looking forward to exercise this week

Feeling really down this week
I am not working, so I don't get paid
The duck is back telling me I am useless

Also is it possible anyone could sponsor me for a midnight walk this weekend – I hope my back is ok
Is it for St Peter & St James Hospice
This is where Pete did the happiness video
http://www.justgiving.com/CherryCatharine

Sorry such a short blog, in agony

I am drained, nothing left, just always on the loo
No sickness
Emodium is not working

I went to the gym Monday for 30 mins, mainly weights. Then had to race to the loo

I have been trying to eat dry things, still goes straight through me

Trying to stay focused it is a bug, not my aniexty – then I will panic

Gutted I cant go to the gym tonight, I think I will passout
I will do some toning exercises at home


Sat night was lovely, so nice to have a normal evening & not have to panic about people watching me eat or have to point it

I had a mild panic attack sat afternoon – more that it felt odd not to panic
Calmed myself down

I wore a size 12 long black satin dress I have not wore in 10yrs – pics on facebook

Dinner was 4 courses
Starter – anti pasti – I ate half of it
Half the bread roll
Main – Venison & nice fresh veg – I ate that & left the puree potato (I hate mash)
Dessert – Cheesecake – I ate all of that
I could have drunk how even much I wanted
I had 4 glasses of wine & glass of water in between

My dad & hubby had 3 bottles of wine between them

I never ever thought I could enjoy a normal evening out like that

Hubby said he did not have to worry about me as he always has before, even noticing how long I am in the loo. When I am gone ages, normally I am having a panic attack
He has had to come in to the ladies loos to get me before

Last nite session about always being told to finish it all on your plate rang bells
I have always battled with food from 6months old
My nan said when my sister was born I was 4yrs old
I refused to eat for a week
I have always hated food & dinner times was a battle ground between me & my mum & who would give up the quickest on me finishing my plate

Having 3 dogs normally helped

I feel soo gulity the hell I must have put my mum through. To think at my worst I could not even stand the smell of anything cooking & used to walk round the block when mum was cooking dinner

I really enjoyed eating sat night, I ate slowly too

Having this bug is helping me eat slowly, having a few mouthfulls & then leaving it 10mins

Focus this week
Relax
Focus on myself, being ill really gets me down

Just realised a year ago tomorrow was my first pc class at my local leisure centre

Just reading back some of my first few blogs, I was a nervous wreck

I hated food, I either starved, binged & purged for the last 15yrs
I detested my body since I was 14
I had daily panic attacks, I avoided doing soo much. Then took valium to get through most things
I hated myself & felt worthless & had no self confidence
Always worrying what people thought of me & trying to please everyone


1 Year on
I enjoy food & eating out
I have not had a major panic attack since November
I have not starved, binged & purged since September
I actually have self confidence & feel I do deserve to be happy & healthy
I feel NORMAL

I have made some amazing friends, feel honoured to know Pete

It has been a hard year to let go of my comfort zones
My panic attacks have ruled my life & that of friends & family for 15yrs

I always thought I would always have them & just had to deal with it
I am cherry, I have eating disorder & panic attacks

Now I can say I DON'T have either

They were almost my comfort blanket of avoiding doing things rather than saying no I don't want to do that incase I upset people

Yes I could have a panic attack still, but I can deal with it. I don't panic about not panicking anymore

I hope I have been able to reverse some of the damage I have done to my body over the years

This did more for me than 15yrs of counselling did, I found with counselling it just kept going over the past.
What lead to my eating disorders
The programme helped me think it is has happened – I cant change it
But I don't need to let it rule the rest of life

This programme will change your life if you let it
Just take one tool & one day at a time

Now I have dealt with my past, I can move on & be happy & healthy
Now I will be dealing with my weight the healthy way


Thank YOU for all the support

Cherry

No more keep saying it is ages away. I will then panic come the first week in sept & go back to my normal bad ways

I am nagging hubby to order me the kettle bells – he thinks it is a another gimmick I wont use – I better make sure I do

12 weeks till we go till we go to Vegas, I cant wait
I wont be on valium the whole time or starve myself all week
Hubby joked I will cost more this time as last time I did not eat a meal in 5 days we were there

I am not worried about the scales, I want to get the inches off my waist so my summer clothes fit
I had a clear out last night. 3 pairs of size 12's that fitted last year, I can not do up now
I need the kettle bells
I binned 4 skirts that were 16's, just fell down

I have kept one thing from each size I have been in the last 3 years, just so when I am down, I can see how far I have come
One pair of size 18jeans I lived in, when they got tooo tight, I thought I have to do something now
I have kept them

Still feeling relaxed about the meal sat, hair being done tomoz too

I exercised in the garden last night with weights doing squats & lunges

Not picked at all today
Breakfast – shredded wheat & handful of muesli
Lunch – last night's chilli
Dinner – prawn green Thai curry & a bottle of cider to share, I put lemonade with mine
Snacks – 3 x Satsuma's, handful of nuts

Not felt the need to snack all week
Eating what I need rather than want is sinking in

Eating slower this week too – I think it is due to eating out on the patio rather than in front of the tv

I was hoping to go swimming sat, I won't have time now
I will be going on Sunday afternoon instead

On my 3rd litre of water today, so warm in my office, I have no windows, so no breeze

Focus on
exercise
relaxing
eating slowly
only eating what I need

I was hoping we would have a sat night in doing nothing

My dad called last night to say they have spare tickets to go to a black tie dinner with them at my dads golf club & hubby said yes

Duck started straight away
Everyone will be thinking how fat I am, I should not be eating 4 courses
Then my thoughts moved to portion size, they might be massive
I am hoping fancy gourmet, small portions then

I have dug out my 3 fancy dresses – the one I was thinking of looks like a sack on me now – size 18 – that's the last time I went to a posh do – 6 yrs ago
A long black satin one fits ish – size 12 – not wore that in 10yrs
I will try to get some hold it all in pants I think – any suggestions of good brand to get?

I think it is time to have a clear out of my 18's – I think I keep them as a safety net just incase the weight goes back on, I wont have to shop

Now normally I would starve till sat & go to the gym each nite for ages

Shutting the duck up & thinking sensibly, no chocolate or wine before sat
Normal exercise with a few month sits ups

Relax & enjoy it on, the last black tie do was a disaster as not long after my mum died, they played bridge over troubled water – the song at my mums funeral
That was it, I was in tears all nite, then the smoke machine started & I had an asthma attack

I don't need to panic just because that all happened last time

Also staying at my dads – never stayed in my old room since I moved out – that will be weird

God knows how many thoughts I have had today

Asked hubby to buy me some kettle bells – I know I would rather be in the sun than the gym over the summer
So I can work out in the garden & get a tan

Going out for lunch sat too with my nan as 3 yrs since my granddad died – healthy lunch – I would have had a chicken burger if we were not going out in the evening

Still not snacking this week, just fruit in the day
Breakfast, lunch & dinner

Going to concentrate on
interval training
Eating what I need rather than want
Relaxing

Just proves petes point, my body does not need it, so why eat it

Last nite
Picked a happy hubby up from the pub
Went home & had a lovely bbq just two of us, bottle of cold cider
He went into watch more football
I stayed in the garden reading my book till 9pm, I have a towel round me!!
We get the sun until it sets, I love that soo much

Watched no tv again, went to bed & read my book for ages again

Feeling nice & relaxed for once, I had forgotten this feeling

Breakfast –
shredded wheat, raisins, bran flakes, skimmed milk
Lunch; homemade Chicken salad wrap & fresh orange lolly
Dinner, chicken, salad, rice – no cider tonight

Snacks today – 3 satsumas & apple
I don't need to eat muffins, cookies just because someone has brought them & I feel guilty they wasted their money

I am actually not even hungry at 3pm
Another 2 hours of boredom to go

Not been to the gym this week, soo hot
I would rather be faffing in the garden as this maybe the only summer we get

I will go swimming at the weekend

I am going to do a fitness dvd tonight, think I might buy a skipping rope too – just for a laugh
I can go my stretches in the garden

Feeling very happy today
Great live session last nite
Sun is out – the warm weather makes me happy

I am still struggling to forget how well I did last year & clear my head

This time is different, new start

I still struggle with self sabotage – I know this is my lack of confidence – the duck coming back
I felt a failure all my life, never feeling good enough or worth anything

I am not as bad as this time last year before I started the programme

This time last year, I was sooo unhappy, unhealthy, unfit
Felt fat & useless, I don't deserve to be loved

I found self confidence, self worth & yes I do deserve my husband to love me rather than just thinking he is putting up with me

True happiness is what I felt when we were on holiday in crete last sept
Just the two of us, I made it there & back & a week away with no valium for the first time ever
I was confident in a bikini, we talked to loads of people, I went for a walk on my own for over an hour one day
Hubby said I would never have done either of those a few months earlier in this country let alone abroad

Yes I would love to have no mortgage & be able to do charity work rather than my boring day job to pay our mortgage
But as the video said your health should make you happy
When I was feeling soo ill with the lung infection earlier in the year, I really could not think what it was like to be healthy

Yes I 'need' to lose two stone to have a healthy BMI
But what happens if I get there & still not happy.
Then I will more than likely binge, put weight back on & moan about needing to loose it again

I think most women hate something about themselves & struggle – we love a battle, weight, drink, food, drugs
My best friend looks great to me, size 6/8 – lost 2 stone on ww
She hates her pale skin
I said I will swap skin for her having my thunder thighs

I found last year once I love myself, the weight started to come off, so that's the only thing I am taking from last year

Fresh start, I will be lighter than my wedding day when we go back to Vegas in September
I wont be on valium the whole time

My focus for this week
Relax, accept myself
Eat slowley
Eat what I need not what I want

I found these thoughts on a forum this morning - soo true but we all still live by them

I have printed these & going to stick them on my fridge
We dont have a junk food cupboard anymore

IT'S SUCH A WASTE OF FOOD…………….
So you CHOOSE to use your own stomach as a rubbish bin?

How often have you finished what's on your plate in a restaurant because you paid for it, even though you didn't particularly want any more, or eaten something because it was near its sell by date, again even though you weren't hungry?

The "starving people in the world” is another well known saying.
But I do not see the logic of how overeating and getting fat actually helps THEM?

It won't, so don't do it.

IT'S A PARTY, WE MUST CELEBRATE.
Perhaps you can explain to me how shovelling loads of food into your mouth helps you “celebrate” anything except a weight gain?

Food is fuel, not a party trick. You can stick to healthy food, visit the buffet table ONCE only.
You are there to enjoy the company which you can do without “pigging out”………

It is not easy, but we have to change our thinking and our habits if we want to lose weight and KEEP IT OFF…….

Pete's saying for the week
Focusing on what your body needs rather than what it wants
I want wine
I need water

I want crisps
I need fruit