Weight Loss Journals - petecohen.tv

Well it has not been a good week.

Business is disaster and no money coming in. Will have 2 mortgages in 2 weeks as cannot sell my house yet - so savings will only last another couple of months.

My knee is so bad now I can only limp with a stick. Cannot walk at all on my own. And the pain is agony.

Have put on over a stone and cannot interview for any new jobs - as they are anti fat people and women.

Had to take mum to the cemetary today so there were tears and agony from my other ankle as its a 2 hour drive each way.

Tomorrow mum's dog is probably going to be put to sleep. She will be in a terrible state.

The house is still a tip and paperwork and taxes not done. Can hardly move so if i drop anything on the floor it has to stay there.

Someone was going to a Lighter Life demo this week so I went along, as I desperately need to lose the weight.

Session not good. Woman running it had been doing it for years but only seemed to be able to follow a script. If anyone challenged her with a question, she suggested they try another programme. Sessions were going to be 5.45pm !!! I asked if there was a later one for workers, but she said people work locally or are mothers ! So no.

Then we asked about the programme and the food packs. No samples. She said you just take them and drink water. Nothing else and no special rules.

Then I asked about they gym and she said yes cardio but no to weight training. I asked why and she said cos muscle weighs more than fat and it would mess with people's heads if they thought they weren't losing weight. I said that at my weight, a couple of pounds makes no difference, its the big numbers that matter etc and that weight training is good for you; but she said "that's the plan and if you can't follow it exactly then it's not the programme for you" Very helpful.

Another woman said she was going on holiday soon. Again, she was told if she didn't have the self discipline to do it on holiday then she should not start the programme.

So basically really unhelpful. She had only lost 3 stone herself. The cost is GBP 70 per week. So very expensive. I reckon you could substitute it for 3 cans of soup a day and plenty of fruit to eat and be just as successful. So that is what my friend is trying. We agreed to both do a week of it. Cereal or porridge for breakfast - 2 large cans of soup (convenience is the most important factor for her) and fruit as required. She has done 2 days. I haven't managed either day successfully yet.

Busy day working today.

Had no sleep last night, so a real struggle to get up and get out. My knees are killing me, and my back.

Each appointment that I had involved a 30 min walk between meeting places. After the 3rd walk, I was soaking wet and in real agony. Felt like my ankle was broken from the pain, and my knees and back were just crippling.
The meetings were not even any good…..

Then had lunch – and was violently sick afterwards, 4 times over the next 2 hours.
So, because of the pain and the illness, I had to cancel a night out. Which was a real shame, because I'd booked a hotel and packed and everything. But just could not do it… so started the long drive home (2 hours). My ankle was killing me and I was thinking that I would work out a new shopping list from the nutrition programme when I got home; and would book into the gym tomorrow, despite the pain, and really try and pick up the exercise at a consistent pace.

Then I received a text message from the gym entitled “slacking?”. It went on to say that the receiver should book a session at the gym and stop slacking and work off some of the easter eggs we had been indulging in. Well……I was furious. It was so condescending, patronising, rude, offensive. …….. We're not all sitting round with our feet up, eating chocolate. I would go to the gym before work, but they don't open that early. Or go after work, but they don't open that late. Or on a Saturday or Sunday afternoon after chores and commitments etc, but they're not open then. And I've had a nasty injury; and anyway, it wouldn't matter if I hadn't, the text was not good.

So I replied……I sent “what a rude and sarcastic text”.

Now my reaction was probably an over-reaction, and I know that. It was probably the duck …because literally I was dialling the number of the gym to book when the text came in, and I stopped to read it. And maybe some people need “a kick” to get them back in the gym, but I didn't find their words inspiring or motivational. I just felt so angry and that I didn't want to go there ever again.

But then the duck wins; and I was planning to go, and why should I care about someone who sent a text that they thought would be funny. Someone else would probably have laughed it off and maybe said that yes they had been slacking and sitting around over easter.

Anyway, the gym rang me. I was so tempted not to answer, but I did, and it was the manager/owner ringing to apologise. And then I don't know what came over me, but I told him exactly what I thought! I gave him chapter and verse on why I didn't find it funny and how he should think before he writes, and should send something motivational. He was profusely apologising and said it wasn't intended like that and it was just a round robin text to people who hadn't been in for 2 weeks etc etc. But I said that was no excuse who he was sending it to. He shouldn't make such patronising assumptions.

I just could not believe I was saying it…I normally always tow the party line. At work, I always keep the peace and see both sides of the argument. I resist the temptation to tell my sister exactly what I think of her when she refuses to visit our mother in hospital and stops me seeing my niece and nephew at an hour's notice – cos she's had a better offer ! I always try to make generic and warm comments to all. But here I was, telling him exactly what I thought. Because it was important to me that I feel comfortable to go to the gym that I have paid for, but I also thought it important to speak my mind and not let it eat me up inside and raise my BP and send me off to eat!

It ended with me thanking him for calling, and telling him that I appreciated his follow up and attention to customer service and that we would draw a line under it. But I cannot believe that I actually stood up for myself, said what I thought and felt so much better for it!

So now I have an unexpected evening at home, so will be cooking an omelette and some plain vegetables and then catching up on some work whilst listening to TV in the background.

Sorry this was such a long blog. I said I would decide in the morning whether to go to the gym or not.

Well I did get some sleep last night, but had to be up early again.

Manic day. Went to the gym. 10 mins in, pulled a muscle in my leg. In agony now. Can hardly walk and the pain is terrible.

Was supposed to be going to the Channel 4 Comedy Gala tonight. Not sure I will get there now.

Oh and the physio says the injury will take 6-8 weeks to get better, so no exercise until then. And even limit walking !

Had no sleep at all last night. Just could not get to sleep at all.

Busy day. Tired. Going to try Sally's remedy again tonight. Have to be up early tomorrow too as the idiot across the road refused to let me park on a public highway due to road resurfacing! Was not worth arguing with him but now i have to move my car first thing and i really don't need that.

Signed up for the nutrition course last week. Score of 27.6. I think I am probably the lowest !

Have not adopted any of the suggestions yet. One is to get more sleep. I wonder how!

Other are less stress. Again, I wonder how! And aerobic exercise. Could not possibly do that at the moment – the pain is too great.

Had a lovely chat with stellastar last night – thanks hun xxx

Have not really been eating much lately. Too much stress. Too busy. So desperately wish I could get some help. I am really drowning with everything I have to do.

Saw a great phrase yesterday:
“Like a camera, I use negatives to develop”

I knew I would forget somthing from my blog......

Thank you to Sally for bringing me a great gift of a sleeping remedy. I am going to try it tonight. Thank you Sal, that was so thoughtful of you xxxx

Party was great (thanks to Pete for organising). Was so great to see everyone and put faces to names or photos. Amazing how some people looked exactly the same or totally different….. but great to meet and chat to everyone.

Went off to the vitality show – gosh it was manic. Luckily, Pete was kind enough to offer to store my goodie bags for me, or I would never have managed to drag them round with me….

Ate broccoli, macadamia nuts, jazz and pink lady apples. Listened to lots of talks on life coaching and careers and health.

Luckily people had primed me from the party – so I knew the best places to go. Not sure about the slim soled shoes for walking and had trouble hearing the woman talking about insulin etc. She sells a lot of supplements and I'm not sure how I feel about them.
Some of the coaches were well OTT, and some were so boring people were just not listening. It's hard to get a good balance. I even managed to suggest a new line of business for someone; and got chatting to a woman who I was able to introduce to pete.

Pete's talk was excellent. He had loads of people listening – much more than anyone else. And his enthusiasm was infectious.

Exhausting day. My feel are still killing me…….but I feel if we all went to days like this every month, then maybe life would be more upbeat towards health and personal growth.

Well I'm doing badly. Done 10 days of the programme over 16 actual days and what have I achieved?

Have put on 8lbs (10lbs since January). Have gained 5 inches. Am exercising and eating well. And the results are not what I had hoped for.

To answer Day 10 questions:
Have I noticed anything different with my energy – yes, have lots less.
Have I noticed anything different with my attitude – yes, I am more patient with myself.
Have I noticed anything different with how my clothes are fitting – yes, they are a lot tighter.

I use all the tools. How am I doing on the tools:
Drinking 2 litres of water 10/10
Listening to CD 10/10
Eating slowly 8/10
Eating only when hungry 9/10
Eating natural food 9/10
Reducing sugars and stimulants 9/10
Being more active 8/10
Walk 30 mins a day 10/10
Regular exercise 8/10
Giving myself credit 7/10
Shutting the duck up 5/10
Being more patient 10/10
Being positive 8/10

What did I want to achieve? I wanted to slimmer, fitter and healthier and have more energy.

What have I got? Weight gain. Knees and back are agony. Can hardly sleep, but am always tired. Very low energy - virtually nothing.

Done lots of experimenting. Hate the relaxation CD. Blogged on all the days.

So, my overall score has to be 0/10 because I have not met any of my goals and am actually in a worse state than when I started.

So what do I need to do?
Well, I could do a bit more exercise. But, as I am already in a lot of pain, that will probably end up in another serious injury and then I will not be able to do anything at all.
I could eat slower – then would mean the food would be cold and I would hate that.
I could eat more natural food – and give up carbs completely.
I could give up stimulants completely – that means tea. Is one cup of tea three times a week really the problem? I don't think so.
I could wait until I am 8 or 9 on the hunger scale before eating, so that I end up eating less times in a day.
I could be more active during the day. Maybe it would help my sleep a little.
I could do Pete's new nutrition course. As a veggie i might be missing something valuable nutrition wise.

Last online course tonight. Better get organised so I am ready.

Mother's day yesterday. Took mum for lunch, with some others. Had a nice lunch of nut roast and lots of vegetables. Took her to a craft centre afterwards and to a garden centre today to buy lots of plants for her garden and the cemetery.

Saw “Love Never Dies” on Sat eve. It was good, but not spectacular. Strange story. But a good night out.

Day 9 - Relaxed – no I'm not relaxed about losing weight. It is very stressful. I've only ever lost weight twice in my life, and I had to really starve to do that. Now I am putting on weight daily and this is very upsetting and stressful. Yes, it can feel desperate.

I think scientists are relaxed because they are dispassionate about their experiments. They mostly are not affected personally by the results.

The R&T mp3 track really does not do anything for me. I dread having to listen to it each night. I have listened to it every night for 14 nights and still find it a chore. And I resent the time spent on it when I could be doing other things. This is because I am seeing no good results from spending time on it.

Breathing – the deep breathing makes me dizzy whilst doing it and for a long time afterwards. It does not relax me or make me feel good. I can even pass out when doing it. I am a shallow breather. Not sure how to change that yet.
I believe I am being patient. But I am running out of patience as I have now put on 8lbs in the past 2 weeks.

I've had some thoughts for what other actions I can take. Going to write them down and review.

First blog for 3 days but picking up from where I left off – as I am really listening to each daily podcast 3 times and making sure I get the full message.

Scientist – interesting and dispassionate. Taking an external look at the situation without emotion.

Edison – I've clearly found hundreds of diets that didn't work, but have not yet found a way of losing weight for me.

We are only failures when we give up trying – true.

So it's 14 days now since I re-started the programme. Really concentrating on the tools, exercising, smaller portions and eating natural foods – and I have put on 6lbs.

So I've checked what I have been doing differently – well….. exercise (my knees and back are killing me), eating smaller portions, cut down on carbs, drinking loads of water, eating natural foods, listening to R&T CD, being very active, eating slowly and definitely only when hungry, not having sugars and stimulants – so, that means I am using all the tools now and still gaining weight. If I were staying the same I would not be happy but would have to be a bit more patient……

But 6lbs is not muscle gain from the exercise, and it's not from the food, and it's not from eating too few calories. So I am at a loss and am very fed up!

Very busy day today. Lots of walking, with a heavy bag. Knees killing me, and back so bad I can hardly stand.

Ate well and small portions. Work picking up. Lots to do.

Day 7 – Pete says to pick up momentum and keep going. Well I do Keep Going – but am not getting anywhere. Not having food wobbles and not going back to old ways.

Done all the questions about what I will get out of it – but don't find these motivational at all.

Looking at different ways to deal with the things that are not currently working. Haven't come up with any ideas yet.

Listened to day 6 today. Pete makes me laugh when he does the “ultra positive” people – they are so irritating. Pete says we need commitment, control and challenge. And to change the duck to a positive voice. I really don't have room in my head for any more talking!

We need to treat our minds with more respect. And need to focus on the tools instead of thinking of weight loss. But I am concentrating on the tools and food is all I think about because I am constantly having to ask myself if I am hungry! I am trying new things but am fed up that I am still putting on weight.

Been thinking about just giving up the programme completely. When I am not concentrating on food, I can seem to stay on an even keel. Until some real trauma hits and then I eat for comfort and put on loads.

Pete says we should enjoy the process. And maybe I could make some goals that relate to exercise or food, but not actual weight loss. I'm not sure how to do this as being fat consumes me all day every day. But I am going to give it some more thought.

Off to online session now.

Re-set my daily videos to day 5, because I finished blogging on day 4 last week.

So, the duck . He has a lot to say. And it's really hard to concentrate on getting on with my life and chores etc when he is non-stop in my ear. He never shuts up.

It's very hard. It's like a real life person standing next to me, talking all the time, when I am in the car, a meeting, at work, doing chores, and whilst I am trying to talk or listen to other people. It's a real pain. As well as thinking about food all the time at the moment.

Pete says “we are what we think”. Well I think I am great. But that does not help me become slimmer. And I can be as “positive” as I want, but it does not help other people accept me, or look at me in a good way, or get me specific jobs, or a partner.

No, I don't encourage myself as much as I would my best friend. With my best friend, I would give actual physical help. Helping to clear the house, or get a job, practice interviews, move furniture or go to the gym with her. I can't do that for myself, so it's still me on my own doing everything.

I can be my own best friend mentally, but not physically. I need real physical help.

I'm listening to the R&R CD every night. To be honest, I dread having to listen to it. I've only been doing it a week so maybe it takes longer to get into it. But I really hate lying there having to imagine the same things every night. I'd like it to be different each night. But maybe the point is to hear the same thing over and over again. Repetition to set it in my mind.

Pete asked us tonight online what we wanted. Well I still want to be slim. I want more energy and to be treated like a normal person – eg: to not be abused in the street, to be able to apply for any job in my industry and know I have a chance (which I can't with how I look now), and to be able to date again (which I have tried at my weight and it goes nowhere – men just take one look and run).

And Pete also asked what we need to support us. Well, I don't really know. I do not know how to lose weight without starving. And the passing out on a regular basis (from the starving) is really not practical. I can up my exercise – but that means other things have to go – like sleep or my second business (which I need to buy my house). I would like someone to train with me. Not a pushy personal trainer, but a friend who has the same goals. But I don't have anyone local to do that.

Will have to think about this some more.

Been very busy so not had a chance to blog days 5,6,7 yet. But I had carried on with my tools and water and exercise and eating well.

So this morning, I weighed myself (1 week) and found I had put on 3lbs. And no, I am not happy about that. And yes, scales may be for fish, but they help track how I am getting on. As well as my clothes not fitting me or being so tight I can hardly breathe.

I have been exercising every day. I have cut my portion sizes down significantly. I have reduced carbs significantly. I have been healthy eating and drinking 2 litres of water. So how has this happened! There is no way that I should have put on weight. In fact, at my weight I would have been shocked to have stayed the same – I would at least have expected to lose a couple of pounds because of all the activity and reduced food.

And there is no point in telling myself that I need to just stick to it and continue doing good things because I have been, and I am now the fattest I have ever been in my life – and getting fatter each time I really concentrate and go for it. And nearly a stone heavier than when I started this programme in Jan 09.

And I am really fed up.

home late and too tired to blog properly.

duck had a lot to say today and got told to shut up !

saw alice in wonderland. it was good :)

Tried on a lot of clothes that I had bought last year. All too small for me and they are a size 24! Sorted them all out for ebay or charity. No point in filling the cupboards with clothes that don't fit. I would rather buy a couple of things that actually fit me now (even though they look awful) than hang on to clothes that just don't fit.

Didn't get a chance to do my usual exercise (but more later). Took mum to the doctor and then shopping and we were out 5 hours !!!! Paid in some cheques. Arranged a bank appt. Got a card and ordered flowers for my niece's dancing show on Saturday.

Then spent time on myself and had my eyebrows threaded.

Then mum wanted plants from Wyevale, so we went over there and had lunch there too (she loves eating lunch out). Choices were so so but I had a toasted tea cake and a cup of tea.

Round to friend's house with my 15 bags of clothes. I've never even worn 70% of them. She is going to sell them on ebay for a commission. She likes doing that sort of thing.

Listened to Day 4 - ………………….yes, I would prefer a boss that said some nice things and was encouraging (although not a micro manager) rather than a critical one that you can never please.

Breakfast – juice
Lunch – Wyevale – tea and toasted tea cake.
Supper – macaroni cheese (not the ideal choice)

Food not so good day. But ate slowly. Also didn't listen to R&R CD as just going to bed now at 1am and need to be up at 5am.

Water – interesting today. When I was out for 5 hours I didn't have any. Why? Well – simple, because there are not many toilets around. So in total today, I have had less than a litre and 4 cups of tea. Whereas, when I am at home or work, I manage the 2 litres no problem.

Had 2 cups of tea at my friend's tonight. Then did 500 step ups. It was a little challenge between me and some other FBookers. Didn't seem much at first, but soon got me puffing. So big pat on the back for me.