Day 17
I'm still struggling with the laptop- finding all sorts of bits and pieces that haven't re-installed properly, but I think it's mostly sorted now. This has made me feel a bit distanced from the programme- or it has allowed me to distance myself , perhaps. It was a good job Tuesday night came when it did, as that was the first time that I hadn't done my food diary since we started...defiinitely part of a slippery slope.
Still struggling with sugar and stimulants- chose diet coke yesterday instead of water for the first time in weeks... why? I really don't know. Felt like rebellion, and I was with people so didn't stop to have an internal chat with Rose about it- I just did it, in true Ros style.
I've realised that when I'm in this position, I'm really not good at giving myself proper credit. Or at least, if I give myself credit for something (eg resisting a piece of cake) but then later succumb, the duck gives me a doubly hard time and tells me the fact that I initially resisted doesn't count. (as well as being useless and weak and destined to be fat forever. Bloody thing. I grind his beak into the kitchen floor with my heel).
Getting over this hiccup is a puzzle...I'm not sure whether to carry on giving myself outcomes like no alcohol or no sugar which are feeling very hard to do but at least tell me where I should be headed, or whether to take the pressure off that one, choose something different and possible easier (like exercise, or listening to the relaxation tape) then give myself credit for that and build from there. TO be honest the duck knows perfectly well that that would be me copping out and wouldn't hesitate to express this.
Actually, my best weapon against the duck is not shouting at him to shut up- we just get into a fight. It's blocking his voice by asking Rose's opinion instead. So I shall commune with her for a secoond and see what she comes up with...
OK. Rose says I'm trying to do things perfectly and getting everything out of proportion. I'm letting the duck in for example because this morning I had porridge, which means I won't be doing Pete's carb free day today as I had vaguely intended to, and I used porridge oats that one of the kids had tipped dry into a bowl and had added a bit of sugar to- so I had half a teaspoon of sugar that I didn't want and hadn't intended to have today, because I didn't want to chuck the oats away. But it's not worth beating myself up about these thin gs. Carb free takes planning, so I shall do it tommorrow and make sure I have suitable food in. Boiled egg for breakfast, chicken salad for lunch etc. And I could have had 5 times as much sugar with my breakfast if I had chosen cheerios, or frosties, for goodness sake. So I shall stop sweating the small stuff, but I shall keep the 50 by 50 goal in mind and see where that takes me. And I shall keep asking Rose when the duck starts up. BTW- her other suggestion was that I make myself a star chart like the kids have, and stick a star on it for every time I do something that takes me towards that goal- as a real concrete reminder of the successes that the duck cant undo.
Have a good day, everyone
I think talking to Rose is a good thing, sounds like that works for you. I would also go easy on yourself, and give yourself credit for the things you have done.
Have a good day.
Jane :0)
xxx